And The Next Stop Is…

Dallas.  

Or so it seems, anyway. 

Allow me to explain my current situation and get you caught up, now that it seems to have about a 99% probability of happening. 

Back in April I chit chatted with my advisor about my goings on for the summer and fall, and naturally the first question was, “Do you have an internship yet?”  I did not.  Nor had I even applied for an internship.  I wanted an internship with a sports franchise.  At the time I had hockey, football, and basketball in mind.  Hockey, football, and basketball seasons are in the fall.  I noticed last summer that internship postings at such places didn’t even start appearing until July and August.  This throws their little template of summer internship and back for fall classes all off.  I told her about all that, and she said it was all cool.   Early July rolls around and adequate internships start popping up, and I applied for a few of them.  No responses.  Zero.  For several weeks.  That’s ok, b/c I knew the bulk of them would come up towards the end of July and into August.  Nonetheless I was getting a bit nervous about the situation…and mostly nervous at my advisor being like, “Dude…wtf have you been doing all summer??”  Then out of the blue I get a call from FC Dallas (which I missed…because I was at the pool).  Called back the next day, and before I even knew what had happened I had informally agreed to an informal internship offer.  Currently, I’m waiting for a background check to confirm that I’m not a drug dealer and that I’m like, not banned from being within 100 yards of a school or something, in which case I’ll get the formal offer and give my formal acceptance.  I expect that by probably the 24th of this month I will have a sparkly new temporary home in either Frisco or Plano and starting my time with FC Dallas, who from what I understand seem to be a first class sports organization.   And I mean first class sports organization.  Not, “first class sports organization…for an MLS team.”  So yeah.  If you’re in Dallas or the surrounding area, by all means give me a ring.  Or is it…”holla atcha boy!”?  I get behind on how you kids are talking on the street.  

So yeah, that’s that.

If you read the oldschool LJ, you might recall that one of my favorite talking points was what an absolute hell hole every Walmart is.  In the spirit of my objective of keeping the complaining to a minimum here, I’m not going to do that.  I will, however, just point out something I have observed, following much scientiffic testing.  It seems that the time of day you go to Walmart seems to be significantly correlated with your likelihood of either killing another human being or being killed yourself.  In my (again, very scientiffic) findings, if you go to Walmart during the typical day (say…8am-9pm), it will be slammed.  Wall to wall people, most of whom make you think to yourself, “Wow, where do these people COME FROM?!”  It is during this time frame that I have concluded that you are more likely to kill somebody.  It will likely come from one of two scenarios.  1.) You accidentally smoke some idiot in the parking lot, or 2.) You have a mental breakdown when you hear your 7th screaming baby, get stuck behind some vato with his jeans hanging precariously just above his knees, and then get almost knocked into a shelf by Mr. I’M IN SUCH A HURRY, OMGZZZ!…all at the same time, and proceed to suffer from temporary insanity and beat somebody to death with a can of stewed tomatos.  Now, this is followed by a bit of a transition time between 9pm-12am that I am currently having trouble defining precisely.  Unimportant.  From 12am-6am the situation is reversed, and I believe that you are much more likely to suffer an untimely death due to your craving for a food you’re out of or because you’re trying to avoid the nightmare of going to Walmart during the day.  Each time within the last year I’ve been in Walmart in this time frame, while yes, there are obviously substantially less people, the people present appear to be much more dangerous.  Tonight, for example, I saw at least 5 people who made me legitimately fear for my safety.  Again, I’m not complaining.  Walmart is exactly a block and a half away from where I live, and that convenience outweighs my hatred of Walmart, thus I lose all rights to complain.  I just think they could maybe change their slogan.  I suggest: “Walmart: Pick Your Poison!”

I would like to bring back a favorite little theme of mine and introduce it to this blog.  In an attempt to add some class and culture to my otherwise pointless and socially irrelevant blog, I will now conclude each post, at least for a while, with…original haiku. 

Roommate headed west,

On my way to the metro;

Times, they’re a changin’.

End.

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